Only children get a bum rap. Ask anyone how they feel about “onlies” and invariably there will be a pitying look that says, “Gee, that’s too bad”. Spoiled, selfish, self absorbed – the apple of their doting, hovering, helicopter parents’ eyes. It’s not the best of reputations to have, though it actually matters little if it’s true or not. It’s beside the point. What counts here is that there is a much more important reason why, when it comes to kids, you should never have just one.
The problem is the odds. There’s just damn little chance of getting what you’re hoping for if you stop at just one. After eighteen years of putting in a whole lot of time, energy and expense, aren’t you, the parent, entitled to have at least one of your lofty life expectations fulfilled by your offspring? A dream, your dream, finally made manifest through the next generation? Want a lawyer, a soccer player, a pianist, a polyglot? I say increase your odds. Is your heart set on a sculptor, a chemist, a heterosexual, a social butterfly, my suggestion is that you have more than one kid.
Kathy C. drove her only child forty-five minutes into the city every day after school for ten years for high priced, high intensity dance lessons that lasted well past 9:00 p.m. on most nights. At the age of 14, her beloved “only” decided it wasn’t for her, the pirouettes, the tour jetés. She wanted to don common cleats and run up and down a field kicking a ball. Kathy reported this to me at Starbucks the other day, barely able to keep her composure.
Now, I’m no mathematician, but I’m sure anyone can figure out that the odds for success get better the more children you have. With just one, the deck is stacked against you. You never know when the answer to “Guess who’s coming to dinner?” turns out to be a dope dealer, or worse still, a Republican! That’s it for you and your hopes – dashed, thanks to Mendel and his second law. For you, there’ll be no second chances at living your dream. There’ll be no subtle showing off over drinks with friends.
Here’s the deal:
If you always wanted to learn to fly, your kid will be afraid of heights.If you longed to teach orphans in Angola, your kid will sign up with GlaxoSmithKline in sales. If you love the life of books, you can be sure your kid will never pick one up.
Catholics and the Orthodox Jews. They get it. When you have upwards of five kids, you’re bound to end up with at least one that brings you what you want – success wrapped up in the form you had imagined for yourself. It’s the law of averages. Your dream, though lived second hand, is better than not at all.
Surely you see, the stakes are high. With five or more – your chances are good to excellent that at least one will have the decency to accomplish what you did not get around to. One will pull off what you didn’t have the wherewithal, or the courage to carry out.
And oh, when that blessed day arrives, when that one dutiful child out of the whole big brood finally fulfills your dream, you can be sure of one of two things: either that said child will be thoroughly miserable or you, the parent, will already be much too worn-out to care.
Sixties Chick 
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